Tara Wood is one of those writers who would break it to you if you are being a motherf*cker. Also, she doesn’t hold back on her writing. She chronicles the lives of her family in a very humorous way that by the end of reading her story; you will cry and laugh and cry while laughing as an agreement to her point.
Marshall’s, Tara Wood
This particular story had gone viral since it was written last July 29, 2016. It has reached over 95K Facebook Likes and 88,330 Shares as of writing this post and we would like to bring it back because there’s nothing worth laughing at but a viral story starring your kids in Marshall’s.
So here it is and please read with caution:
“Norah and I were in Marshall’s today when she suddenly grabbed her crotch and said she had to pee.
I hustled her to the back of the store where the bathrooms are.
There was someone in one of the stalls already and she was stinking it up. Like, my eyes stung and watered.
There was a vacant stall, though, so I lead Norah to that one and tried to get her in and out of there as quickly as possible before I made audible gagging noises or the odor of this lady’s defecation permeated the fibers of my clothing.
This other occupant was being suspiciously quiet- hoping we’d get the fuck on with it so she could shit in peace, I’m sure.
At this point, Norah was sitting on the toilet and I was sort of motioning for her to hurry because I wanted to die.
Then the lady in the stall next to us released a long series of machine gun farts that were so deep and powerful that I felt the earth move underfoot. I guess she just couldn’t clench any longer. Bless.
I held my breath and looked at Norah, whose eyes were full of amused surprise and big as dinner plates. I prayed that the smile spreading across her face wasn’t an indication of the cringe-worthy fuckery this three year old loose cannon was about to spew from her mouth.
I put my index finger up to my closed lips in the Universal sign of “Shhhh…don’t say anything. Jesus, please, just stay quiet.”
She did not do that.
Norah: “Howy cwap, Mom. You here dat? Dat was some big farts. That lady next to me? That lady right der? She was farting and farting and farting. She had some big ones. You okay? Lady? You okay with dem big farts in there? You need some help? Dems some pop, pop, pop, farts…”
Me (utterly mortified for that woman): “Norah! Hush! Just wipe and let’s go, please.”
Norah: “Okay, okay….you smell dat? She already pooped too. She’s farting and farting and pooping altogether at the same times. That’s a lot of smell and pop pop farts, right Mom?”
And that’s when I picked her up, pants still around her ankles, and carried her out of the bathroom, walked five aisles away, and slathered enough hand sanitizer on both of us to kill any Ebola that might be lingering in our neighboring states.
So, lady in the Marshall’s bathroom with ass gas so deep and bass-heavy that it could have easily been mistaken for one of those weird horns they use in the Ricola commercials, if you’re reading this, I’d like to apologize for my daughter’s play by play of your angry bowel situation.
She’s super into farting and not farting and any and everything having to do with farting right now.
Kids are dreadful and highly inappropriate.
Hope your bunghole is a’ight.”
You can like Tara Wood’s Facebook page here and read some of her other antics: Tara Wood, Writer
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